if love at first sight is real: a case for the concept

Paris is the love capital in the world. So, it's a cliche that I find myself here at the beginning of writing this piece, one to bring light to my skeptical view of love at first glance.  

Paris, France

After writing my first post expressing my opinion about the concept of love at first sight as a wildly dreamy social construct, multiple people had reached out to me, countering my point of view. 

For the sake of argument in this post, I define love at first sight as meeting someone, saying hello, and chatting for a few minutes. I know, it's not very specific, but for now, I'd like to leave out immediate encounters. I believe that contrary to famous fairy tales and Shakespear plays, one must at least speak with their potential mate before falling in love with them.  Of course, feel free to message me if you disagree or have experienced love without talking to someone. I'd love to hear from you!

Ellie and her husband, Ezra

"I knew the minute I met my, now husband, that I was drawn to him and he was special," Ellie, age 30, writes. "I was in a relationship at the time, but ended up dumping the guy and pursued Ezra. 10.5 years later, and I still get giddy when I see him."  

Ellie was one of my first friends when I switched middle schools midway through the term. She and I remained friends in high school, and to this day, we stay long distant companions through social media. 

"Did you feel that is was love at first sight?" I asked.

"I did! I don't know if it 'counts' because it took a while to actually start dating.  There was something about his energy and the look in his eyes.  I knew I loved him," she told me. "So odd because we really just were introduced to each other and didn't talk for months (until I got single)."

Ellie's feelings for her now-husband after meeting him for the first time were so strong that they consumed her mind, causing her to fall for him instantly.  Through her story, we learn that love at first sight not only occurs but also can be the foundation for a long term relationship.  

I also find that, in my opinion, the fact that Ellie and Ezra spent months without talking, dating, or being physical with each other shows that their bond was much more than just initial infatuation.  It's easy to get caught up in a whirlwind when you can't catch your breath.

And it's not just Disney princesses and popular love songs, there may be a biological basis to love at first sight.  

According to a recent article in the Washington Post, some researchers believe that it only takes 3 minutes to determine if the cutie in front of you is a potential mate.  

The article states, "studies have found that animals are more likely to mate with partners they're genetically compatible with. It's unclear whether this research applies to humans, but some scientists think we might be preprogrammed to spot 'the one.' Romantic attraction might serve an evolutionary function: We seek out specific people who will be suitable mates, and we give everyone else the boot."

And then there is Mostafa's story.  

"I don't know if it will happen again, but I was very happy, and my heart was racing...." said Mostafa, age 27. "It felt so good like having sex for the first time. This was what happened to me when I saw you and my Chinese girlfriend 'love at first sight' it was you and my ex-girlfriend among all people on Earth."

Mostafa and I met in Egypt at a hostel I frequented. He's one of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet. Mostafa is also a virgin, so saying his connection with someone felt like sex for the first time is exceptionally significant.  Although our relationship was never romantic, we still enjoy a beautiful friendship.  Okay, so maybe it's not the happily ever after, but it was love to Mostafa.  

"What is love to you?" I asked him months ago in Egypt at a small cafe on a busy street somewhere in Cairo.

"Love is the relationship between two people; it doesn't matter if they are different or similar to each other like the same mind or different mind. It's okay because if you have differences, we will complete each other if we are the same, we will have common interests. Like if I love something, you will love the same thing. We will talk a lot; we will have a lot of topics. That's the aura...inner peace. This is what makes me fall in love so easy. But I don't know what's going on with my aura detector maybe it's not working with this girl (his ex)."

In Cairo at a shisha cafe

Mostafa says this because it didn't work out with his ex-girlfriend. The intensity of their relationship inspired a copious amount of insecurity and jealousy.  They were both unhappy with the distance-- physically, culturally and emotionally, and decided to end it their relationship. 

Research shows that the subconscious mind forms ideas upon meeting someone. According to an article by John Alex Clark, relationship coach and NLP practitioner, when you meet a person, you could be relating that individual to someone else in your life (relative, friend, enemy) and form an opinion based on that relation. 

According to Clark's research, the possibility of love at first sight might also occur due to feeling a subconscious need at the time of the meeting. One individual (the faller) subsequently realizes that the other person can meet that need, and makes connections of 'love feeling' to fill the desire.  

We must be careful to fully consider the person we are meeting, along with the timing, our feelings about ourselves, and his/her/their intentions.  We also should realize that most of us grew up with the idea that finding 'the one' is the main goal of any romantic relationship.  We could, therefore, be projecting our own needs, wants and desires onto someone who isn't right for us.  

We have seen from Ellie's story that immediate connection, chemistry (and yes, love) can trigger not only a spark but a long-lasting, loving, relationship from the very beginning.  I do, however, think this is the exception, not necessarily the rule.

Somewhere in Paris <3

I have to say; this post has been a tough one for me. I have researched, contemplated, talked with others. I have looked at the blinking black line on my screen and then distracted myself with other tasks. But I think that is why it was so crucial for me to explore. I can't assume that just because it didn't work out in my case, and was, in fact, built on unhealthy expectations, that it doesn't exist in healthy ways for others.  

"I'm just waiting for the one. I want her to show me the love that I show her," Mostafa told me with tears in his eyes as we sat in the cafe. I admired him at the time and still do today, for not giving up on love in all its forms; whether it manifest after three minutes or three years.




A special thank you to Ellie and Mostafa for sharing their stories!  <3